Motherhood Again

After 3 years of total conviction that I was never having another child, now we are. I even gave everything away because I knew I wouldn't need it. Both sets of grandparents and lots of my friends are in shock over the news.

Why didn't I want to? It's complicated...

First I had a horrendous horrendous pregnancy. I had severe morning sickness from the moment of conception to the moment the baby came out.

Then I had an emergency caesarean and lost lots of blood.

Then Molly had terrible colic and screamed all day every day from week 5 to week 12. (Although not at night thank god).

Then I hated being a mother for 2 and a half years and cried every day.

Eventually I got the right counsellor, sorted out some childhood issues (it was all my parents fault!) and now i'm happy and everything is fine. Now I don't mind being a mother and sometimes quite like it, I don't cry anymore and I love my daughter so much it hurts.

And lo and behold as soon as I sorted out my head I passionately wanted another one! This is a happy ending story too because this pregnancy (so far) has been nothing like the first and with just a normal level of sickness.

Secret Stress

I haven't posted for a while because life has been getting in the way...

Things have moved on a bit, now i'm pregnant again (see next post on this) and John is a lot better but now his job is under threat.

To be more exact it's his company rather than his job. If his company folds, which is looking increasingly likely day by day, we've got some options:

- Look for a much lower paid job in the local area

- Get a job outside the area and commute a long way

- Get a job outside the area and move

So now I have 'secret stress' because there is no-one I can properly talk to about this. We've only lived here for 18 months and i've worked really hard to make us part of the community and find some (still not very close) friends, but who is going to want to be friends with us if we might move.

Another thing is that a couple of people I have mentioned this to think that I should just let him commute. Am I the only woman in the world who prefers being with her husband in the evenings? I love my husband, we are happy together, I enjoy spending time with him.

There is a possibility of a 'top job' in the new year but i can't imagine anything worse than being stuck with a toddler and a newborn baby and a husband doing a 12 hour day plus two hours commuting or worse, living away during the week.

My mother (who is so different from me I wonder sometimes whether I was brought by the stork) says 'don't worry about it till it happens'. I'm not like this, I need to think things through and make plans.

Option 1 looks best but it requires a psychological leap i'm not sure my 'over-achieving' psyche can take.